The Dragoning - Episode Ten
Transcript
(The first few notes of the piano sound nice and theatre-y but then they start to deconstruct, a bit like a music box going awry. Strings come in. Men droning. Are they monks?)
EMILY:
Messenger Theatre Company presents
The Dragoning
(lots of voices saying The Dragoning. The beat drops. There are some distorted strings or cries in rhythm.)
EMILY:
Episode Ten. Part One. Kala and Sergeant Ana Rengel.
(The music sputters out. Sound of restaurant chatter and upbeat restaurant jazz.)
*
Part One
Kala
Look at you. You clean up good.
Yeah, yeah, different in the dark right? We’re switching from our diurnal selves to our nocturnal ones. Watch out! It’s night!
Sure. Yeah. A drink sounds good.
Jack Daniels. Neat.
Really? You would have guessed? Why?
What are you an armchair drinks psychologist?
Alright. What are you drinking?
I might have guessed.
Well – it is the drink of choice of douchebags round the country. Seemingly around the world.
No! Really? You don’t like being called a douchebag, Drench? What a surprise!
Douchebags are very predictable, Drench. Very predictable.
No. You’re right, Curious George. You’re not that predictable. Just – somewhat. Well – I was surprised you asked me for drinks after you turned me down for dinner.
You seemed sort of – taken. Not that that has stopped many douchebags before you.
Really? Sampling the wares of this fair city’s fair females, are you?
Really? Aggressive how?
Of course you like it. Of course you do.
Well, you came to get a drink with me, didn’t you?
Let’s just say that the gentleman who can hang with a woman who could skin them with one hand if she wanted to are few.
Well, obviously, I wouldn’t. Just because I can doesn’t mean I do.
But a bear is very different than a man. Though I’m sure a man would be easier to handle.
Again – not that I’d know. I skin bears, deer, rabbits, that sort of thing. What would I skin here? Rats? Ewww, No. Thank you.
Sewer gators? Those can’t be real, can they?
No – of course, I haven’t skinned any dragons. What do you think I am? That was just tough talk. A little breakfast blowharding to get the day going.
You should know better than to believe a girl before her coffee’s really kicked in.
No, no. Sorry. No. I’m a thoughtless jerk before noon. I hate everyone, not just dragons.
My day? What, are we married or something? “How was your day at work, snookums? Just fine, sweetums, how was yours?”
We’re asking questions we can’t ask at breakfast now? That’s the game?
Sure – you’re right. We probably wouldn’t talk about what we like to drink at breakfast, either – not unless we were really aspirational alcoholics.
Our breakfast selection is alright but it’s not really a mimosa type situation, is it. What do you think they’d do at Davina if I asked for a Bloody Mary?
Probably they would. You’re right. And I bet it would be $20 at least.
They gotta make up the money they’re losing from discounting so many people somehow. I don’t blame them. If I ordered room service without checking the prices first, I’d get what’s coming to me.
No, you’re right. It wouldn’t come to me since I’m not paying the room bill.
Ha. Yeah. My sugar daddies. Yeah. That’s actually fucking hilarious. I mean if you saw these guys – sugar daddies would be the LAST words to come to mind.
First words? Ooof. I’m not sure. Chess Club? Wedgie Society?
Yeah. A little bit.
I mean, I’m not sure I’d call them nerds. Only a handful of them are smart enough to qualify for nerddom. I might go with dorks. No disrespect to them or to dorks.
A dork’s money is as good as anyone’s.
No they did not hire me to shake down the school bully for their lunch money. Though I don’t like a bully’s chances with me, for sure. I can’t abide a bully.
No. I was not bullied. You?
Well – I had a reputation.
You skin one squirrel on the playground ONE TIME and no one will ever let you forget it.
Sure – I got in trouble. It wasn’t just my fellow students who were scared of me for the rest of the year though – so no one did anything of real consequence.
Good guess, Drench. Killer Kala was my first nickname – though they rarely used it to my face.
Don’t get soft on me, Drench. Yeah – of course it hurt my feelings, I’m not a monster. But – you know – there are advantages to people being afraid of you.
Such as – they generally leave you be. And it gives you a kind of power. You’re a man, you should know that. You don’t think women’s general fear of men doesn’t imbue you with a kind of intoxicating power?
Didn’t you? Well – it does. And I know what it feels like. I been feeling it all over this city.
I haven’t felt this kind of power since my Killer Kala youth.
I know it’s not me men are afraid of – I get that it’s the dragons. But – damn. I’ve been high on fear ever since I got here.
I never said that.
I implied no such thing.
Give me your sleeve. I wanna talk directly to the FBI. I am not here to kill dragons, okay?
The FBI says what?!
Surveillance, my ass. They’ve got nothing.
Let’s stop this FBI game. It’s not fun.
What do you mean, how would I, though?
Kill a dragon?
I wouldn’t.
No. But I wouldn’t.
I think the sword has a lot of advantages. I mean – it’s intimate, for one. You have to get in close. You have to know each other, smell each other, before you kill.
Of course the intimacy appeals to me.
Yes, Drench. Killer Kala is into intimacy. Why do you think I accosted you in the hotel breakfast room?
What’s more intimate than a chat with someone who’s just woken up? They’re all sleepy eyed and vulnerable and will tell you all kinds of personal stuff that they haven’t had time to put the daily mask over.
What didn’t you tell me, Curious George?
I may not know a lot of facts but I do know what you look like before coffee and I know how you are. I know you.
I’m not naïve. I know my survivalist brothers tend to not be that into their fellow human beings. It’s part of the appeal.
You know, it’s the end of the world. You’re one of the few people left. You can’t depend on anyone but yourself.
No. I am a little bit that way, too. But I’m not as bad as most.
Well, I think most people are trash but I also find them fascinating.
Aren’t we all working each other all the time?
Oh, you’re totally working me. I don’t know your angle but you’re working me.
Sure, I’m working you.
I’m hoping to have a hot quick romance with a foreign fella in a dangerous town.
Number 1 – it’ll be a good story and keep me warm at night in my old age when all of humanity is dead and I have nothing to do while skinning raccoons.
Me? Exotic?
Well – I suppose most Montanans don’t travel as far as all that. I guess I could very well be your first Montanan that way.
No. I don’t suppose you would have. Most men haven’t been with a woman who skins bears. That’d be a new one for practically every man in this bar. Probably for practically every man in this city.
How do I what?
Oh. Yeah. Catch a bear? Or kill one? Because those are two different things.
Sure. I have a code of ethics, Drench. I don’t kill it unless I can use it.
Well – bear burgers aren’t quite as tender as beef – but they’ll fill up your belly. Gotta use every bit if you’re going to take its life.
Sure – of course. Squirrel kebabs. Squirrel skin caps. I’ve got a quilt made out of all the small animals I couldn’t figure out what to do with.
It is warm as hell, my friend. The warmest blanket in all of Montana. I’d be happy to share it with you if it were here.
I have my good points.
So – Drench – why didn’t you bring your girlfriend with you on this trip?
No, not to the bar, you drip. To this crazy dragon town.
You clearly have a girlfriend and I’m just wondering why you didn’t bring her on this adventure you’re having.
Does she worry about you carrying on with exotic ladies from Montana like myself?
I figured you’d say that.
Well – you’re the “What they don’t know won’t hurt them” type, aren’t you?
You’re so much fun to mess with, Drench. Do people mess with you all the time because of that?
Just me, huh? Well. I am special. Not like the other girls, you know. That’s me. Your girlfriend would pee her pants if she met me. Maybe I should go visit her. Where was it you were from again?
Ha ha. I know you’re not from fucking Belgium. What are you doing – trying to keep me from finding your girlfriend by sending me to the wrong country?
Belgium. Give me a break. I may be provincial but I know you’re not from fucking Belgium.
Nobody’s really from Belgium, that’s why. That’s the place people use to stand in for a made up place.
No – I know it’s a real country.
Really? You’ve been there? You get around, huh?
Just give you a passport and a suitcase and off you go.
Well, Drench, you’re getting more exotic to me every minute. I might have to take you back to our hotel immediately. That is, if your girlfriend won’t object.
Well – yes – of course she would.
How’s about we walk back to the hotel and we can debate about it for a while before you finally submit to my will.
(Dragon roars. Sound of ice machine.)
*
Sergeant Ana Rengel
Getting ice was a smart move, Brent. You’re doing great. She’s a tough nut to crack but you’re keeping her on the hook. Don’t you worry about getting more information from her. We know where the meetings are. We recognize some of the guys and we’ll make a move as soon as we can.
What I need you to do, Brent, is just keep her busy. Because, Brent, any time she’s spending flirting with you is time she’s not spending killing our dragon friends.
You don’t seriously believe that, right Brent? She told you more than she should at first and now she’s trying the “I was just joking” line to avoid getting into trouble.
Right. I forget that men are not as used to being gaslit in this arena and therefore a lot more vulnerable to it.
It’s clear to all of us, Brent, and will hopefully soon be clear to you that she is a hired dragon killer. I don’t have the slightest doubt in my mind and neither should you.
Well, Brent, you don’t have to sleep with her if you don’t want to. I hope you know that we’re not asking you to.
But should you choose to keep her busy that way – just know that we’ll try not to listen. We’ll have someone monitor – just in case you get in to trouble and need to say your code word – but we try to be respectful of people’s privacy.
Well – we can call you in the guise of your overseas girlfriend if you need us to. I’ll program – uh – Brenda into your phone and if we hear you say, uh. Pineapple – we’ll call you immediately. Or rather Brenda will. It’ll really be Stephanie, though. She’s good with roleplaying – just in case Kala picks up your phone and thinks to get cute.
Now – run on back before our dragonkiller wonders where you are.
EMILY:
Hi this is Emily. I am the artistic director of Messenger Theatre Company and the creator of The Dragoning. Thank you so much for listening. We’ll bring you part two in just a moment but just wanted to make a final plea for any donations you might be able to give us. We are a 501c3. This whole project was funded by you, our listeners.
But it is not entirely funded. We still have some artists to pay. We have some like myself and others who have deferred payment until we could get it made and it would be so great to be able to pay everyone for their work.
So links are in the show notes. Our Ko-fi page is the easiest probably best situation. That is Ko-fi.com/messengertheatrecompany
You can also go directly to Pay Pal or Guidestar
Any of those will get to us.
Again we are a 501c3 so your donations are tax deductible.
Now back to the show.
Dragoning theme shifts
Episode Two
Ashley, Pizza Guy, Kala and Sgt Ana Rengel
Sound of a door opening. Bossa nova music plays on a record player.
Ashley
Come on in.
How’d it go yesterday? Wait. No. Don’t tell me. No. Tell me. Did it go well?
Good. If Sergeant Ana is satisfied – then you must have done a great job.
You may have noticed that Sergeant Ana is a little tough on men. She tends to think they can’t do anything right – so if she’s pleased with you, you must have been amazing.
I mean – I already think you’re pretty amazing. So it’s only confirmation of what I already suspected.
I don’t know what all those radical dragons are on about.
Oh, you know. Some of my dragon groups have some real radicals in them. There’s a whole contigent that can’t tolerate men at all. Like at all. They are so glad to be dragons, I can’t even tell you. They don’t even want a cure. They like being dragons and never want to stop.
They say they like the new order of things.
Oh, you know, they do things they never did in their previous lives.
I don’t know. Sort of – like going to the grocery store late at night. One of them said she goes running at midnight now. They walk home alone from the bar. It’s not very exciting stuff if you ask me, I don’t know why they’re so excited. There’s one who’s, like, ecstatic to take the bus. The bus! The bus, Brent! Have you ever been excited to take a bus, Brent?
No. Me neither. The bus.
I don’t know. I think they might really resist any efforts to cure them. There’s been talk of infiltrating the scientific teams working on the project. I mean – I agree that a dragon DNA test would be catastrophic. We’d all be forced into a dragon concentration camp as quick as they could withdraw the needle. So…there’s some benefit to us to knowing what’s happening in those labs.
And they’ve got this idea of settling some score. They have a chart where they track the dragon kills on one side and the number of women killed last year and they’re planning a celebration when the numbers even out.
Seriously, they’re gonna have a cake, throw a party with decorations and a DJ. It’s called Parity Day.
No – it’s a lonnng way off.
Whenever I feel guilty about what my dragon has done, I just think about that list and how unlikely it is that we’ll have Parity Day before the end of the year.
I don’t know. It helps. It helps.
Oh, I ordered a pizza for us – I figured we should eat here in case we needed to discuss any dragon related details.
Sound of a door buzzer
Dang. That was superfast. They’re here already.
Sound of a dragon transition
Door opening
A wolf whistle
Pizza Guy
Damn – when the guys from the group sent me down here with a large pepperoni, they should have warned me I was delivering to a hot chick.
Ashley
I’m sorry. Sorry.
Sound of Sorry transforming into a dragon.
Pizza guy
Wha – wegh – arghhhhhhhhhhh.
Sound of dragon swallowing pizza guy.
Sound of Kala clapping
Kala
Wow. You just swallowed him whole, dragon girl. Very impressive. If I could do that, I totally would. Can I come in? I just want to talk.
I can see I’ve confused you. I’m coming in. We don’t want your neighbors getting ideas, do we?
Nice place you got here. A little singed. You run into some trouble? I can see the scorch marks lead back to –
Oh shit. Drench? Is that you?
What are you doing in a dragon’s apartment?
Don’t answer that. Just give me a sec with this dragon. There. That little gizmo should keep you from switching back to lady form and spoiling my plans. Now you, Drench, probably want to get out of here if you don’t want that dragon to eat you. I cannot wait to hear the story of how you ended up here. You need to go.
What do you mean, “No”? You trying to commit suicide, hotshot? You’re no match for this dragon. That “pizza guy” has been training for months and you saw how he fared.
Sound of destruction. Sound of dragon swipe.
She’s not going to hurt me.
Hey, hey – what are you doing, dragon? Did you just swipe at me with your dragon claws? That’s not allowed.
Don’t care about rules, huh, dragon?
Crash.
First you let this man here live and now you’re swiping at me with your claws. Is everything I’ve been told wrong?
Well – it doesn’t matter because this is a very sharp sword and it should work on just about anything. I can’t guarantee your safety, though, Drench – so I’m going to suggest you depart ASAP.
Sounds of dragon destruction continue throughout.
What is your problem? Why are you here at my job preventing me from doing what I have to do? Do I go to your job and bother you?
Wait. What? This is your girlfriend? The one who called last night from overseas? Brenda? But this chick’s name is Ashley.
How do I know? Well, we got a tip.
From who? None of your business. Some guy. I don’t know. Maybe a cab driver? The group pays big for tip offs. Anyway – it’s none of your business and if you’d just let me get back to killing your girlfriend I’d really appreciate it.
Drench. I don’t kill people. I kill animals. For survival. And this animal here is a threat to the survival of human beings.
Yes. All human beings. Damn, haven’t you read the news?
The dragons kill men, you doofus – which maybe you hadn’t noticed – but you happen to be one of.
Sure. I suppose I had noticed you were still alive. And this dragon seems weirdly more interested in protecting you than she is in killing you. I do see that. But I also recognize that that is aberrant behavior. So you got yourself a weird one. You really do like exotic women, huh, Drench?
That one there is about as exotic as they come. Scales, claws, tail. Wouldn’t be for me, let me say that.
Now – don’t do that, Drench. One of the advantages of grappling with animals is that they don’t tend to plead for their lives – they just fight for them.
I have a job to do.
Brent. I can’t. I like you but I can’t. I’ve taken those boys’ money. They gave it to me in good faith. I have to come back with a dragon heart and scales or it’ll be hell to pay.
I’m going to need you to stand aside. I do not want to hurt you but I will if I have to.
Dragon transition sound
Sound of police entering the apartment
*
Sergeant Ana Rengel
Drop the sword, Kala. Brent, come here to me.
Kala, you are out gunned. And I know you know your way around a gun – so you can see for yourself what I’m aiming at you and what my deputies have as well.
Sound of sword dropping.
That’s it, sister. You know what’s good for you. And I’m going to suggest you keep your mouth shut, as well. Consider it a Friends of the Dragon reading of your Miranda rights. You are under arrest under my authority as the Chief of the Dragon Protectorate and as you are now under our authority. I’d suggest you not make anything worse on yourself.
Well, Brent, I see why your friend here calls you Curious George – but I’m going to take her down to our headquarters and let the officers there work out how to handle this situation.
It’s possible – if this one comes quietly and tells us some things we need to know, they might go easy on her. It’s also possible they’ll throw the dragon book at her, I don’t know.
Stephanie – I’m going to need you to collect that doo-dad from Ashley’s ear there.
Well, Brent – it’s a particularly irritating piece of tech that basically sends a highly irritating vibrational sound directly into a dragon’s brain, thus keeping them in a perpetual state of dragon agitation. It’s basically like having someone saying “Well, actually –“ in your brain over and over and over again.
I’m not sure what kind of sicko dude bro came up with it but when Ashley returns to her form, she’s going to be pretty much passed out. Can you look out for her until she comes around?
Normally, I’d leave a deputy to do that but we’ve got quite a lot to do now that we’ve collected this dragon killer right here.
Thank you for your service, Brent.
Killer glare you got there, Kala. Come on. Let’s go.
Dragon transition sound.
Sound of airplane seatbelt sound.
*
Ashley
Thanks for giving me the window seat.
Everyone’s got headphones on already. They just got on the plane and bloop!
It’s just been so long since I’ve been on a plane! And I’ve never been overseas before. I can’t wait to be – like – above the ocean. That’s – like – flying! Oh. It IS actually, flying, isn’t it? We’re going to take off and fly. So cool.
I’m good. I’m feeling good. I took that muscle relaxant – which I’ve been advised will minimize the risk up here. That and my training should mean we’re okay. Thank you for taking the risk to travel with me. I didn’t realize how scary it was going to be to be doxxed like that. And you know the council felt the risk of flying was better than hanging around being a target for all the haters. And weirdly safer for you, too, it seems.
No – I’m excited! I’ve never really been on a vacation before. Not as an adult anyway. And to get to meet your parents, too? Man. This is more than I could have hoped for.
Anyway – I’m grateful to get to see your homeland. No, I don’t think I’ll be – um – patient zero there. For one, I won’t be the first.
They didn’t tell you?
Oh, there’s a whole club. They’ve just been really good at keeping it under wraps. They’re meeting us at the airport.
And, I think, my sweet hero, your fear will be enough to sate them all.
Oh. I’m sure your parents will be fine. Your dad’s not a douchebag, right?
No. I’m sure they’ll be fine. Why would they have any reason to interact?
Listen – the contingent there hasn’t had one single public exposure so far. Why would an interaction with your dad at the airport be the thing to kick it off? It’s ridiculous. No way.
No way. Not a chance.
I’m not worried. Not at all. Not at all.
Not at all.
It’s fine.
It’ll be fine.
Sound of plane taking off
*
(Dragoning theme credit music begins. Piano. Strings. Bells. It’s a little creepy but also fun. Like mischievous creatures sneaking around after midnight.)
EMILY:
The Dragoning was produced by Messenger Theatre Company and written by Emily Rainbow Davis
The Dragoning Theme was composed by Scott Ethier
Sound design by Matt Powell
This final episode featured Nancy Nagrant as Kala, Vickie Tanner as Sergeant Ana Rengel, Emily Harford as Ashley and Max Arnaud as Pizza Guy.
This was our final episode of The Dragoning. Or at least the final episode of Season One. If you liked it, please tell someone about it. Review in your favorite podcast app. Give us all the stars you can. It’s all very helpful in helping other people find the podcast. Thank you so much for listening.
This entire podcast was recorded pandemic style with extreme social distancing in that everyone recorded and worked from home.
Everyone involved in this podcast is from the theatre and as you may be aware theatre has been shut down now for quite some time.
So we are very grateful to be able to continue to share something with you and this podcast in particular.
Thank you so much for listening.
Stay safe out there everyone. And watch out for dragons.
(Music resolves.)