The Dragoning - Episode Seven
Transcript
(The first few notes of the piano sound nice and theatre-y but then they start to deconstruct, a bit like a music box going awry. Strings come in. Men droning. Are they monks?)
EMILY:
Messenger Theatre Company presents
The Dragoning
(lots of voices saying The Dragoning. The beat drops. There are some distorted strings or cries in rhythm.)
EMILY:
Episode Seven. Kala and Dr. Andrea Hester.
(The music sputters out. Sound of a hotel breakfast room.)
Kala
Do you know where they put the butter? I can never figure these buffet type breakfasts out.
Thanks. So much butter!
Hey, you mind if I join you? I was on a plane for way too long yesterday so I worry I’ve lost my ability to string words together. I would love to try it on you, if you don’t mind being my test subject.
Thank you. I appreciate the hospitality.
Oh, I came in from Montana. It shouldn’t technically be so long a flight but with the connections and the layovers – you know how it is.
Yeah. Born and raised. I’m a Big Sky Girl through and through.
Oh, well. Some folks got in touch with me to see if I couldn’t help them out with a little project. Bought me a plane ticket and everything. I’ve never been out here so I said what the heck. Do they come around with coffee or do we get it ourselves?
Got it. Can I refill you?
My pleasure. You’re nice enough to let me yammer at you first thing in the morning, I can refill your coffee cup.
What’s that? Oh. I’m not supposed to say. Apparently it’s some big secret.
How’d you guess?
Yeah, I guess you’re right – everything out here is dragon related these days. How long have you been here?
Wow. Just a few days and you seem like a native to me. I guess I have a lot to learn.
How do you like it?
Yeah. It looked real pretty from the plane. And everyone I’ve met so far has been real nice.
No truthfully – it’s you, the hotel staff and cab driver so far but that’s a good start! And I haven’t been attacked by a dragon yet, so I’m doing great.
What do you mean?
Oh. Right. They only go after men. Bunch of feminazi dragons I guess. Do you recognize them by their hairy legs?
I’m joking. I’m joking. I don’t know anything about dragons. We don’t have them out in Montana. I don’t know a single thing about them.
Me? Real Estate agent.
Oh. It’s not my real estate skills they’re after.
Well. I’m a survivalist.
You don’t?
Well. We learn how to take care of ourselves out in the wild – just in case civilization comes crashing down or we just decide to retreat into the woods – we know how to SURVIVE, you know.
Ha, ha. There’s no butter in the wild. I know how to get by without it, my friend.
Animal fats can usually do the job but I wouldn’t necessarily put it on toast. Of course there’s no toast either so that’s fine.
Sure – hunting, fishing, foraging, trapping, building. All sorts of stuff. You want a coat made of bearskin, I’m your girl.
I’ve taught loads of people. We run a little training camp in the summertime where we teach people stuff.
Oh, you know – how to skin a rabbit, how to build a lean to, how to make a fire. Just basics, you know.
We tried a winter course once but we didn’t get that many signed up and half of our students ended up in the hospital with frostbite so we just stick to the summers now. I wouldn’t put my life in those students’ hands, no sir. The thing is, for liability reasons, we can’t actually put them in the danger they need to be in to learn. So…we give ‘em little tastes.
Sure. Yeah. Never go to a city without a business card!
Here you go. That’s me – the associate director. You think you ever want to come out to the woods, you just let me know.
You’re right – most survivalists are men. I’m one of the few. Makes me a rarity. Very special.
Well, my daddy was a survivalist. He taught me everything he knew. Left me in the woods on my 11th birthday and expected me to find my way home.
You bet. It took me two weeks but yes I did make it home.
I was a little banged up and frostbitten but I made it.
Sure, but it made me pretty tough. I wouldn’t trade it. They call me The Huntress at my office. My wilderness skills serve me in the wilds of suburbia at times, too. I can be ruthless.
I don’t know. Are you a mid-level real estate agent in Montana? Because those folks gotta watch out! And bears, of course. I won’t take any shit from a bear.
I wear my skins, they almost never bother me. They’re not looking to become part of my wardrobe. They know what’s good for them.
I mean. I don’t go bear hunting really. I go out into the wild – if a bear makes trouble for me, I take care of it. It’s her or me.
Mostly the male bears leave me alone. I don’t like to engage with mother bears – but they wouldn’t hesitate to end me so…I do what I have to. I’m not sentimental.
They’ve got aunties, haven’t they? You think a baby bear wouldn’t eat your face off given half a chance? He would.
Sorry. That’s probably not nice morning hotel chat. I told you I needed some practice.
Well, a plane is very different than the woods. I could go without talking for weeks in the woods and it wouldn’t matter. One day surrounded by people not talking on a plane and I’m liable to lose my mind.
Don’t you? I mean – out in the woods there is no one to talk to. If you want to talk, you talk to the trees, you talk to the rabbits, you talk to yourself. On an airplane, it’s a whole lot of people not talking. The activity there is not talking. No one wants to talk on a plane. While it’s quiet in the woods, I could actually talk all day if I wanted to. And sometimes I do. Sorry. Chatterbox Kala they call me.
Sure. Or The Huntress. Good memory. You’re right.
No? They seem consistent to me. The Chatterbox Huntress? Hmmm. I’m not sure that would quite strike the fear into their hearts that I’d hope for. Do you have any nicknames? Or just a name?
Nice to meet you, Brent. I won’t call you Bent Brent. It’s not the most descriptive nickname, is it?
I’ll work on it. I attract nicknames like a magnet. Always have. Some people are just nicknameable I think. You – not so much. I can see that. But I’m a pro. I’ll find you a nickname, don’t you worry.
If nothing else, I can give you one of my cast offs. I can pretty much bet you that I will have a new nickname by the end of the day and I will gift it to you.
Yeah. You might not want it, that’s true. I was known as Granny Panties to a select group of people at one point. I can pretty much guarantee you don’t want a nickname like that.
You just don’t seem the type. Don’t you think so, Granny Panties?
See. It would never stick. But I’m pretty sure that’s not what I’ll be coming back with later.
These guys I’m meeting with – they seem like the sort who’ll give me a kind of tough guy name so they feel okay about bringing in a girl. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be something in the neighborhood of Killer or Bruiser or Big K.
Well. I’ve got a lot of practice with these types. I know how they roll.
No – I don’t know them personally. I know their dollar bills, my friend. I know their George Washingtons but even more important, I know their multiple Benjamin Franklins. You know those guys?
Oh. Right. I should have worked out from the accent you’re not from here. Franklin’s on the hundred dollar bill.
Yep. It’s all about the Benjamins, baby. Oh God, is that the time? I got to get to my meeting. Thank you, Brent, for being a great breakfast companion. Maybe I’ll see you here tomorrow morning?
Yeah. I’ll give you my new nickname then.
(Sound of a dragon roar. Sound of a hospital curtain being pulled closed)
*
Dr. Andrea Hester
Let’s have a look at you.
Oh boy, you sliced up your eyebrow pretty good, huh? Wow. Well, you did a good job not breaking your nose – so if your eyebrow had to pay the price, it was the lesser of the evils. Now – what happened?
Roller skating, huh? Wow. We don’t see a lot of roller skating injuries in here. How’d you manage it?
No kidding. Tripped over your own skates. Wow. How’s the other guy?
Sorry. That’s a joke. We see a lot of guys in here who love to tell us how much worse off the other guy is. She’s alright, then?
In the waiting room – okay. Well, you shouldn’t be too much longer. I’m going to stitch this up and you can be on your way. You’ll just want to go get the stitches out with your regular doctor in about a week.
You want to bring her in to hold your hand while I sew you up?
Okay, then. Let’s get this taken care of. You’re doing great, Brent. We’re almost there.
Good.
Good.
You’re all set.
Now – before I send you on your way – I have to acknowledge that I have noticed some minor burns and burnt hair as well as some curious bruising.
I recognize you may not be in a position to discuss it – but I do recognize the signs of dragon contact.
No need to explain anything. I just want to make sure that you have the resources you need if you run into trouble. There are safe houses that are, essentially, dragon proof. If you need help extracting yourself to get there, you need only say the word and volunteers can escort you there right now.
You’re sure.
Okay. Well. I’m giving you a small flyer hidden in this packet about your stitches – the flyer will give you a number to call in case you need it.
No problem, Brent. Please take good care of yourself.
And just know that there are mechanisms in place to help you if you need.
We don’t see a lot of dragon violence, no. The dragons don’t often leave much behind. But – there are the occasional bystanders, sort of collateral damage, as it were.
And there are a few, I don’t know what to call them…maybe domestic situations? Friends of, followers of. We don’t know if everyone is in a situation of their own free will. Which is why we have to ask.
Do you have a support network in place?
We recommend putting the safe house in your phone under another name.
Just anything that you’ll remember that won’t strike someone as suspicious. A lot of my patients have gone with “Gus” for some reason.
Why don’t you go ahead and put it in, just while we’re here, you know?
Gus will be so pleased you have his number.
Now listen – take care. And stay off those skates for a while until you’re healed up a bit.
*
(Dragoning theme credit music begins. Strings. Bells. It’s a little creepy but also fun. Like mischievous creatures sneaking around after midnight.)
EMILY:
The Dragoning was produced by Messenger Theatre Company and written by Emily Rainbow Davis
The Dragoning Theme was composed by Scott Ethier
Sound design by Matt Powell
This episode featured Nancy Nagrant as Kala and Sally Beaumont as Dr. Andrea Hester.
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Messenger Theatre Company is a not-for-profit organization and we are entirely reliant on your support.
This episode was created in the spring of 2020 in the middle of a pandemic with contributors from around the world.
Thank you in advance for making our next episode possible.
Stay safe out there everyone. And watch out for dragons.
(Music resolves.)