The Dragoning - Episode Three
Transcript
(The first few notes of the piano sound nice and theatre-y but then they start to deconstruct, a bit like a music box going awry. Strings come in. Men droning. Are they monks?)
EMILY:
Messenger Theatre Company presents
The Dragoning
(lots of voices saying The Dragoning. The beat drops. There are some distorted strings or cries in rhythm.)
EMILY:
Episode Three. Colm, Jenny and Willie.
(The music sputters out. Sound of a Guinness being poured.)
Colm
Dylan sent you, did he? Good man. Not sure where he is, he’s usually in by now. But if he said I’d take care of you then by god I will take care of you. What’ll you have?
Good choice.
Can’t quite place the accent. Is that a long trip?
Oh wow. That IS a long one. What brought you over?
You know that killed the cat, right? Your drinks are free but the jokes’ll cost you. I charge per pun.
Alright, Jeff – I know that wasn’t a pun. What are you, a professor of comedy? Forgive my buddy Jeff, Brent. He’s got to explain everything. And he pretty much has to stay in here because you do that out there in the wrong place and you’re gonna be a dragon lunch. You know that, right, Jeff? You can’t be explaining everything out in the dragon world. It’s too risky. The unfortunate thing is, though, he stores up all those explanations - then it’s nonstop monologues by the time he gets in here. But we put him next to Randy and Randy’ll nod and smile all night. So where’d you meet our Dylan?
No kidding. You stayed in the van? I think you’re the first. You are curious, huh? What are you doin,’ writing a book?
No, Jeff, he says no. You don’t have to explain publishing to him.
Well, we did get a lot of aspiring writers in here at first. I don’t know how they all found us but we sort of lost our taste for telling the same story over and over. I don’t mind telling you, some folks in here started making things up. Their fact checkers got a big surprise when they started calling up before their publishing dates. I mean – sometimes we’d say, “Well, yes, Bryce DID say that” but we might not always go the extra step of saying Bryce is a compulsive storyteller. Aren’t you, Bryce?
Nope. That wasn’t an invitation to start one up, Bryce. Finish your Guinness.
It’s slowed down a lot after that initial frenzy. It’s downright peaceful in here these days. Bunch of gents just keeping to themselves with nobody to impress or answer to. You understand.
I miss the ladies every so often but all in all, it’s better in here than ever.
Well – some of the women, the pre-dragon regulars, some of them, kind of egged the dragon on. I didn’t know there could be dragon cheerleaders but these ladies…I thought I knew them, you know? They were all, “You, go girl!” while that dragon stuffed the last bit into her mouth.
“Get him,” they said, as his dress shoe disappeared behind her teeth. That was Phil, you know? They knew him. He was in here all the time – just like them – and suddenly they were a murderous cheer squad.
You think you know someone.
Sorry. Still gets me choked up. I can’t understand. And a lot of these guys don’t. Didn’t. I mean…we couldn’t bear to look at those ladies when they came back, shamelessly walking through those doors after cheering on Phil’s demise – like it wasn’t real – like Phil wasn’t dying down in that dragon’s belly.
And we knew her, too.
The Dragon.
Never would have guessed in a million years.
Quiet. Barely said a thing.
I don’t get it. If she didn’t like Phil talking like that, why didn’t she say anything? How hard would it have been to say “Phil, knock it off.”
And all Phil did – all he did was ask that lady to scoot over a little bit. I mean, sure, he did call her sweet cheeks. But that’s a compliment! It’s a term of endearment. I still don’t understand it. Really. One minute they’re chattering and the next minute they’re throwing your dinner on the floor. It’s very confusing.
You ever think of becoming a bartender? Usually it’s the customers who tell me their tales of woe.
The very foundations of our world have been transformed. No, not transformed – more like – we thought we built all our houses on cement blocks and it turns out they weren’t cement blocks at all – just stale bread loafs that are apt to collapse in the rain. That’s a metaphor – there aren’t really buildings with bread foundations. But you know that, right?
I wouldn’t risk walking down the street how I was before. I’m amazed I’m still here to tell the tale, really. Aw, you know. I used to enjoy a bit of talk, a bit of flirting, a bit of flash for the ladies.
Callin’ out to ‘em when they struck me in the heart, when their beauty made my soul shiver, just lettin’ ‘em know, you know? That sort of thing’ll get you killed now. You tell the wrong woman she’s got a pretty smile now, you might not survive the afternoon.
What?! Touch one? Are you kidding me? Do that without asking first and you’re dead.
Well, reach out and grab.
Sorry, man, that’s a You Barbeque and you deserved it, being that stupid.
No, no, I don’t think anyone deserves to get eaten or torched. Not really. I shouldn’t joke. Sorry fellas.
I look back at how carefree I was before – so secure – I mean, Brent - I was like you, if you don’t mind my saying. I see myself in you.
You, too, Jeff? Bryce?! Really.
Yeah, see – we all do, more or less. We didn’t know how good we had it. But I look at you – just, not even looking over your shoulder. Not even once. You don’t have to check if you’re safe in here. You just assume you are. And you’re not wrong. This is a safe place. But most of us go in a place we’ve never been before, we’re just keeping an eye on the door – just in case.
I used to walk down the street without even thinking about it. And, Brent, I used to walk in a straight line just like you do now.
Well, now – I make way for ladies, don’t you know.
How’re things where you’re from?
Should we all move there?
Well – I guess you’re right – it is interesting here. We’re living in just about the most interesting city in the world. But I tell you what, I’d take a less interesting time just about any day of the week.
(sound of a beep outside the bar)
Oh, that’s Jenny, our shuttle girl. She’ll take anyone wherever they need to go from here. She just stops in every few hours. We don’t like to lose our guys this early but she is definitely the safest way home. We’d be sorry to see you go, Brent – but if you’re at all ready to head out, now’s a good time.
Come back and see us anytime. You’re always welcome.
*
(sound of dragon roar and ascending chord. Sound of a van door slamming.)
Jenny
Where to, then?
Hotel Davina? I know it well. I take a lot of guys there. They say it’s one of the safest hotels in the city. You chose well.
Well – tourism is down in general. A lot of the hotels have those kinds of deals, I guess. Last minute reservations and such.
Dragon tourism is a whole new industry, though. It’s going to take a while for the city to adapt, I think.
Well, the folks who used to come are different than the ones who come now.
You know – we don’t see a lot of families anymore. That’s one thing.
And we see a lot more thrill seekers. There are a lot more big group tours, ones where they just drive them around to keep them separate from city life. A small hotel like the Davina doesn’t do those group sales so it has to run specials, I guess. What called you to our fair city of dragons?
Huh. Curiosity. That’s not one I hear every day. Cool. I mean – yeah, There IS a lot going on around here, it is hard to deny that. What, is it like a desire to be close to the action for you?
I get that. Yeah. That sounds like fun – just check in with an internal compass and go where it tells you. That sounds like a fun, carefree way to live. Where have you traveled before?
Holy moly. Globetrotter.
I’ve only ever left the country once – for a destination wedding – so I didn’t really see much of the place.
Antigua. Yeah. I saw the ceremony on the beach. And the hotel. The airport. That’s pretty much it.
No – but seriously welcome to Dragon City. I hope you’re staying safe.
I mean – not being a jerk is rule #1. And you’ve not been a jerk to me so I like your odds. So far.
I don’t know. Just like, be aware of your surroundings. Try not to hog the road or the sidewalk or the air in the room. I don’t know why everyone thinks it’s so hard.
I imagine that your global adventuring does serve you in good stead. What do you do, you just like turn up in a place and watch and learn?
Right. Try to stay out of the way.
Yeah. I like your chances of getting out of Dragon City alive. I don’t like the chances of a lot of the guys I get in the shuttle.
Oh – you know – they don’t really listen. They try and get me to drive them places the shuttle doesn’t go.
Nowhere particularly interesting – just like – McDonalds or the liquor store.
Just, you know, they think because it’s a free shuttle service that they can bend it to their will.
No they can not.
Other dragon safety advice? Huh. I don’t know.
Well – we’ve got some pamphlets up here at the front if you want one. There’s a non-profit that started up that’s trying to get the word out.
It’s stuff like “Travel in groups or with a buddy system. Get a woman you trust to walk you home if you’re on your own.”
One of the problems with that, though, is that men have no ability to judge who they should trust and who they should not. Women have had centuries to learn that skill. Men have very little practice so that strategy is a risky one, if you ask me.
Yeah – good guess – I have lost a couple of acquaintances that way. They’re reported to have asked some nice girl to escort them home and ended up eaten up. Better to take a shuttle.
I do, actually, end up giving a lot of advice in this job. It’s not like it used to be.
Oh, before? I used to drive a shuttle just like this but for women.
Didn’t even have to change the name. Safe Ride Home became Safe Ride Home.
Oh, I guess what I meant is – the weird advice that I end up giving is much different than I used to.
Well – I guess I didn’t give women advice. I just listened, usually. Drunk girls telling me their tales of woe. Sober girls telling me their tales of woe. It was always just going, “He did what?!” and “That’s terrible.” I also did a lot of nodding and saying, “You’re welcome. It’s no problem. It’s literally my job.” I haven’t said that in months.
Awww. You’re sweet. You’re welcome. It’s no problem. It’s literally my job.
Here we are. This is the shuttle schedule and location pick-ups if you need it on another night. If you fold it into quarters it will fit right in your wallet.
Sure, really it’s no problem. It is literally my job. Have a good night.
*
(Sound of a dragon roar. Sound of van door closing. Hotel music.)
Willie
Brent! You’re still with us! I thought for sure a dragon would have got you by now.
I’m just kidding, my man. Just teasing you. You’re too savvy to get dragoned. Did you end up going on the tour?
Oh good. Good. I’m so glad. And I see you got the shuttle back here. Where’d you end up?
Oh, yeah. I heard of that place. I’ve never been.
Doesn’t really appeal to me, truth be told. Bunch of guys probably already a little scared of women in the first place traumatized into keeping them out entirely? Not really my scene, my man. Not really my scene.
I don’t know. I like women. Some of my best friends are women.
Like, really. They are. I don’t go to places I can’t go with my friends.
Oh, we go to this bar over in the theatre district. They’re pretty welcoming to everyone over there. Or at least they pretend to be, which is sometimes close enough.
Sometimes pretending is a pleasant and safe way to be, you know?
Anyway, they don’t exclude anyone over there. You should go. I’d offer to take you myself tomorrow but I’m working the door here.
It’s called The Silver Pitcher – over on Claflin street. Check it out and let me know how it goes. I think there might even be a shuttle stop nearby.
Oh, no. I didn’t. Sorry man. I didn’t know you were serious about wanting to see them. I’ll bring my folder with all the numbers and projections and everything tomorrow. If you end up going to the Silver Pitcher, you can tell me about it and I’ll give you my projections.
Have a good night, man. Sleep well.
*
(Sound of elevator bell and elevator door opening)
*
(Dragoning theme credit music begins. Strings. Bells. It’s a little creepy but also fun. Like mischievous creatures sneaking around after midnight.)
EMILY:
The Dragoning was produced by Messenger Theatre Company and written by Emily Rainbow Davis
The Dragoning Theme was composed by Scott Ethier
Sound design by Matt Powell
Our Sound Doula was Rick Scholwin
This episode featured Max Arnaud as Colm, Sevrin Anne Mason as Jenny and Julian Rozzell as Willie.
To hear future episodes of The Dragoning please contribute to our Indiegogo campaign. The link is in the show notes.
Messenger Theatre Company is a not-for-profit organization and we are entirely reliant on your support.
This episode was recorded in the spring of 2020 in the middle of a pandemic with contributors from around the country.
Thank you in advance for making our next episode possible.
Stay safe out there everyone. And watch out for dragons.
(Music resolves.)