Messenger Theatre Company presents Season Two of The Dragoning
Episode Four: Fiona and Paul
(The first few notes of the piano sound nice and theatre-y but then they start to deconstruct, a bit like a music box going awry. Strings come in. Men droning. Are they monks?)
EMILY:
Messenger Theatre Company presents
Season Two of The Dragoning
(lots of voices saying The Dragoning. The beat drops. There are some distorted strings or cries in rhythm.)
EMILY:
Episode Four: Fiona and Paul
(The music sputters out.)
(Sound of a park)
Episode 4
FIONA
So you saw the news.
Yeah, I suppose it would be hard to miss.
Well, we wanted to get in touch now that one of our own has been exposed to just make sure we could still count on you.
Good.
Well – I suppose we made a miscalculation is what happened.
We thought that preparing the government for our eventual exposure would mean a more measured response. We thought it would go more smoothly. What we didn’t count on was how the rest of the country would react to the news.
Well, Brent. I don’t want to offend you but – the douchebags got douchier is what happened. And all the magic smoothies in the world aren’t enough to deal with douchebags who’ve turned their douchieness up to eleven. I mean….
I’m glad you understand, Brent. I really am glad. And actually, I’m hoping you can help us a bit. Because, and again, I really don’t want you to take this the wrong way, Brent – but I think you might be able to speak douchebag.
Like, you can talk to these guys, yes? You understand what they’re saying underneath the assholedry?
Excellent. Good. So – here’s the situation. We’re due to have a little conference of dragons and dragon supporters….
Well, it’s officially a knitting and crochet conference and while there will certainly be some needlework happening, we are also discussing some dragon business.
What we’re worried about, Brent, is the hotel lobby. We are only a small portion of the guests there for the weekend and you know, sometimes small groups of guys hang out in such places – salesmen or I’m not sure what and with the atmosphere in the country being what it is, we just might need you to run some interference.
No, no, we don’t want you to fight them or anything, just distract them long enough to get our girls by. Have a chat, listen to their dumb jokes or whatever they need to just ignore our contingent for a bit. It’s not a risk-free gig as you probably understand. I mean, one stray comment from them in this atmosphere….
We’re advising everyone to increase their smoothie consumption so that should keep everyone from being too reactive – but we need some extra insurance, you know?
Sorry – what?
No, I hadn’t heard about the scented candles – how funny.
Pine and Geranium. Wow.
Well, I’m not sure the hotel will let us bring a bunch of candles in but we can ask.
Maybe an atomizer would work?
You don’t happen to know, do you?
No. Of course. No.
We’ll have to run some experiments. And I’ll have our contact ask Ashley, too. Maybe if she doesn’t know, she’ll put us in touch with someone who could have a sense.
See there, you’ve come in a bit handy already. I’ll tell the girls who were on the fence about you. That should help convince them.
And are you on board to help us with this conference?
Great. Good.
I mean, yeah, we’re all a little more easily triggered than usual and the douchebags are also more triggering than usual.
It’s like we’re all popcorn kernels in a pan and the heat has been turned on and one pop leads to another, you know.
Yeah. Okay. So. Thank you.
I’ll be in touch with the details.
Sorry, what?
Oh, sure. Yeah. It might be useful to learn to knit or crochet. It would give you a good cover for being there. And would probably get you a lot of attention from the douchebags. You could try teaching them to knit, once you know how. That’d be very distracting for them.
Well. Knitting is two needles. Crochet is one hook. And people tend to prefer one or the other.
I don’t know. Knitters tend to be slightly more controlled than crocheters. Crocheters can get a little loosey goosey. Knitters like order. But that’s a wild generalization. Take your pick of one needle or two!
Me? Oh. knitter. I mean, I can do both but I definitely prefer to knit.
Do I have any knitting with me? Ha. Of course I do. What do you think?
Sure. It’s not a secret.
This is on its way to becoming a hat.
About half way.
I had this idea inspired by those pink hats from a few years ago.
Like, what if we made green ones? And maybe we could put little scales or something on them, make them dragon hats.
We’re not planning a march or anything, no. But maybe it would be a way to raise support when/if things get messy. I don’t know. I feel like, it can’t hurt to be prepared.
Yeah, so I’m experimenting a little bit. Trying out different patterns. Putting them together. Crochet may be the answer after all. I don’t know yet.
Believe it or not, there are a lot of instructional videos out there and one of the benefits is that you can always pause them so you can learn at your own pace. Get yourself some yarn and some needles or a hook and off you go.
Maybe your mum has some?
Ah. No. Okay. Just stop by a yarn shop. They’ll fall all over themselves to help you.
Are you kidding? A man in a women’s space like that? They’ll welcome you like their only son come home from the wars.
Lord no. The reverse is not true.
Have you ever been to a guitar shop?
Of course you have. And did you see any women there?
Yeah, come to think of it, you did not.
Well. I played a little guitar a while back and there is no condescension quite like the condescension of a guitar guy when a woman comes into the shop.
Oh, he’ll sell you the strings, yes – but are you sure those are the ones you want? They’re a little heavy, those ones. You probably want something a little lighter. Oh, those strings? They have a coating on them. Are you sure you want that? I mean, I thought I did when I came in here but now I’m not so sure. I’m not sure about anything anymore.
You’d think that, wouldn’t you? You’d think they’d want to make the sale and make the customer happy. But weirdly that seemed to be no one’s priority.
I don’t know. Something like, “Get the girl out of the clubhouse as soon as possible and make sure she never comes back!” A couple of times, I took men with me, when I went, just to have a less traumatic time.
No, Brent. It’s not just guitar shops. That’s just an example for the rest of world. There are endless spaces like that.
No. You’re right. Not dress shops.
Not usually any way. But you go into a dress shop, why don’t you and see how much they’ll love you.
Anyway – all I’m saying is, you’ll have a much different experience at a yarn shop, trust me. They’ll give you the right hook or needles for whichever yarn you choose.
Right. I have to run. There’s a lot to do with all this coming up. I’ll be in touch with more details and you get started on your knitting project!
(Dragon roars)
(Sound of Paul running upstairs and opening shades and windows.)
*
PAUL
Up, up, up, you bludger. Don’t tell me you’re still jet lagged. You’re No Jet Lag Brent! Isn’t that what we used to call you?
Streuth. You’re right. That is a terrible nickname. Why would we call you that?
Really. She nicknamed you “Drench?”
Why?
Drenched in the blood of your enemies? You? Come on.
Curious George. Now, that seems more like it. This girl knows how to nickname people. I should go meet her. I’ve never had good nicknames, either.
Dragon prison? Like where the dragons get locked up?
Why would dragons need to lock people up? Don’t they eat their enemies? Set fire to the ones who give ‘em trouble?
Dragon justice? Sounds crazy to me.
I mean. I wouldn’t trust a dragon to give me justice.
What are you talking about?
Wait. Wait. Dude. You’re saying they formed this, like, shadow justice system because they felt they never had justice even before..like, when they were women?
Come on.
I don’t know, man. You tell ME what happens when you report a sexual assault.
Don’t they investigate?
Well. They have to question them. What if they’re lying?
Is cross-examining so terrible?
I mean. No one should have to hear about my sexual exploits. That’s just for their benefit not to hear that.
I mean. Sorry for them that their rapists and abusers go free but that doesn’t mean they don’t have justice.
I don’t know man. That all sounds crazy to me – and all I know is I would not like to go to dragon prison.
Rehabilitation?
Re-education?
Huh. I think prisons are for punishment. Reconciliation seems like a bridge too far.
Anyway – we’re due at the brunch spot in twenty minutes, so let’s get a move on.
The PR girl, you remember? She said she’d go out with me if you came, too. And you agreed. You remember that?
Nope. Not a third wheel situation. Though given how much this girl is into you, if anyone would be a third wheel in this scenario, it would probably be me. But we got Erica to join us. So you’ll have the pleasure of arguing with your ex while I try to flirt with a PR girl who has the hots for your PR possibilities, if not you specifically.
Well, you know Erica. She enjoys a good caper. She loves to mess with unsuspecting people.
Right. She’s going to pretend to not be your ex but your current. So steel yourself for some performative PDA, my friend. She’s bound to turn it up for this. But come on, get a move on. This me waking you up thing has turned into a habit. You’re going to have to return the favor one day. And hey – as you’re getting dressed – do me a favor and try not to look your best, okay?
*
(Dragon Roar)
*
(Dragoning theme credit music begins. Strings. Bells. It’s a little creepy but also fun. Like mischievous creatures sneaking around after midnight.)
EMILY:
The Dragoning is produced by Messenger Theatre Company and written by Emily Rainbow Davis
The Dragoning Theme was composed by Scott Ethier
Sound design by Matt Powell
This episode featured Mischa Ipp as Fiona and Conrad Le Bron
Messenger Theatre Company is a not-for-profit organization and we are entirely reliant on your support.
Thank you in advance for making our next episode possible.
Stay safe out there everyone. And watch out for dragons.
(Music resolves.)