Transcript of The Chip

EMILY: Welcome to Messenger Theatre Company’s newest audio drama. This show is not a part of The Dragoning universe. This show takes place in some other alternate reality. We hope you’ll enjoy this short detour from the world of dragons.

Sound of plucking strings, a little Rite of Spring-like

MAX: Messenger Theatre Company presents The Chip

Music becomes louder and turns from strings to horns and organ building to a climax and then abruptly finishes.

MAN: You told me you didn’t have the chip!

WOMAN: Well, you told me you were going to pull out.

MAN: I got caught up in the moment.

WOMAN: So did I.

MAN: When you lied to me and told me you never got the chip?

WOMAN: Kinda. Yeah. You looked so hopeful and I didn’t want to disappoint you.

MAN: Well you have. You have disappointed me and now I’m stuck with your lie.

WOMAN: Well, if I didn’t have the chip, then I’d be stuck with your lie, wouldn’t I? The chip only responds to fertilized eggs. If it hadn’t been you, it would have been me.

MAN: But I don’t want to have a baby.

WOMAN: Should have thought of that before you ejaculated into my body. Shouldn’t you?

MAN: I DID! I asked you about the chip!

WOMAN: Yeah, but you were like, “You don’t have the chip, do you?” Har, har. And I was like, “Nah, man.” Har, har. We were just joking around.

MAN: I didn’t think you might ACTUALLY have the chip!

WOMAN: Well.

MAN: This is so unfair.

WOMAN: So you would have been fine having a baby if it grew in my body but now that it’s growing in yours, you’re not so keen.

MAN: No. No.

WOMAN: Sorry buddy. I mean. I’ll help if I can. I don’t have a lot of money but I can give you a little something.

MAN: I’m not having this baby.

WOMAN: I support you in that. I’m just – worried about your options.

MAN: What do you mean?

WOMAN: They outlawed abortion in all the surrounding states about a year ago.

MAN: No, they didn’t.

WOMAN: Oh, they did. I don’t know how you missed it. There were a lot of protests.

MAN: But that was before the chip.

WOMAN: It was. But the law moves slow. And why should the chip matter? If abortion is murder when the cells are in a woman’s body, why should it be different if the cells are growing in a man’s? Life is life, right?

MAN: Sure. No. Yes. I support a woman’s right to choose!

WOMAN: And I support a man’s right to choose! We’re on the same page here.

MAN: How am I supposed to stop this?

WOMAN: I’m told there’s an Uncle network developing to try and get men the abortions they need. But there are a lot of pissed off women out there who are working pretty hard to make sure that you men keep your babies.

MAN: You did this on purpose!

WOMAN: No way, man. I don’t want that baby any more than you do. I’m just glad it’s not in my body.

MAN: This could kill me!

WOMAN: Let’s hope it will be an easy pregnancy.

MAN: What possessed you to get that chip?

WOMAN: I mean, I tried an IUD but it made me dangerously suicidal, which is, apparently, rare – but a real thing. I tried to get mine before they became illegal in this state. And there are states that are outlawing IUDS, too. But I had to have mine out immediately unfortunately. I tried various versions of the pill but I guess my hormones just don’t take well to regulation so really, the chip seemed like a good last resort when my doctor suggested it. I mean, if you can’t prevent a pregnancy, you might as well reverse it.

MAN: Into me!

WOMAN: Sorry, man. I suggested a condom. You said no.

MAN: Cause I’m tested and STD free!

WOMAN: Which is why I said okay but I did not say okay to carrying your baby.

MAN: Well, I didn’t say okay to carrying yours!

WOMAN: Sorry, dude.

MAN: I gotta get this out of me.

WOMAN: Be careful, man. You don’t want to get too upset, it might hurt the baby.

MAN: I’m getting this thing out of me.

WOMAN: Don’t be tempted to try Plan B drugs. I’ve heard they’re doing bad things to men. I wouldn’t want you to start peeing blood or whatever.

MAN: There’s no Plan B for men.

WOMAN: Not yet, honey.

MAN: What do you know all this stuff?

WOMAN: I’ve been paying attention.

MAN: What are we going to do?

WOMAN: What are you going to do? Your body your choice, my friend.

MAN: This can’t be happening.

WOMAN: It is not a good situation, I agree. Maybe there’s a subreddit for pregnant men or something? Or the new uncle network could help?

MAN: You seem much too relaxed about this.

WOMAN: I’ll help as much as I can, you know. I don’t want that kid any more than you do. I just can’t help but be relieved that it’s happening to you and not me.

MAN: It’s not fair.

WOMAN: It’s actually pretty fair when you think about it.

MAN: How could you do this to me?

WOMAN: You did to yourself, dude.

MAN: But you got the chip!

WOMAN: And what a godsend that chip has been.

MAN: I got to get this out of me.

WOMAN: I think there might be some states where they specifically allow for male abortions only. You know, the states, where they just made it crystal clear that the regulations were built for women and women only. We need to find you one of those misogynistic states. I’ll have a little google for you, shall I?

MAN: Good God – this is a nightmare.

WOMAN: Why do you hate babies?

MAN: What?

WOMAN: Just kidding. Doing a search for you now.

MAN: Thank you.

WOMAN: I guess you weren’t tracking where your rights were eroding state by state the way I was.

MAN: Huh?

WOMAN: Right – the closest clinic we can get you to is about a 15 hour drive away. You got any airline miles?

MAN: No.

WOMAN; Me neither. This might take a while.

MAN: But this thing’s going to keep growing in me. We have to get it out fast!

WOMAN: Agreed. But all the anti-abortion orgs are going to want you to have a thinking period where you might change your mind.

MAN: I’m not going to change my mind.

WOMAN: I know that.

MAN: This thing is going to start cannibalizing my blood and my brain matter. We have to get this parasite out.

WOMAN: That’s some vivid language right there.

MAN: Well – that’s what happens, right?

WOMAN: To women, too, my dude.

MAN: It’s a horror show.

WOMAN: I do not disagree.

MAN: I’ve been invaded!

WOMAN: Watching you freak out about this Is very refreshing.

MAN: Are you laughing at me?

WOMAN: I’m just enjoying watching you realize stuff about this that has pretty much always been true for women – ideas we started grappling with from the moment we learned about them.

MAN: It’s not funny.

WOMAN: No it is not.

MAN: That chip shouldn’t be legal.

WOMAN: It’s experimental. It’s too new to be legal or not.

MAN: I didn’t consent to an experiment in my body.

WOMAN: And I didn’t consent to you putting baby batter in my body – but you did.

MAN: And now I’m supposed to be punished for the rest of my life because of one mistake?

WOMAN: Don’t see it as a punishment. See it as an opportunity! I mean – if you can’t get yourself an abortion, there are a lot of resources to help you. There are more resources for you than there would be for me, if the chip hadn’t done its thing. There are, like, Daddy Doulas, new pregnant dad groups popping up everywhere, charities to help new dads care for babies, single Dad foundations, funding support. If some of those these things existed for women, it might not be such a bummer to give birth.

MAN: Is that why you got the chip?

WOMAN: I got the chip because I don’t want to be pregnant and I don’t want to be a mother.

MAN: If I let this thing grow to term, you’ll still be a mother.

WOMAN: Yes but I’ll be an absent mother – like a deadbeat dad but girl style.

MAN: You’re just going to take off?

WOMAN: Like the wind, baby. But I’ll get you child support, don’t worry.

MAN: I’m worried.

WOMAN: I don’t think it’ll get that far. We’ll get the Uncle Network to help you out. You’ll find a way through this.

MAN: I’m not comforted by any of that.

WOMAN: Sorry. I’m not sure what else to tell you.

MAN: Is it reversible?

WOMAN: What?

MAN: The chip. Can you reverse it back?

WOMAN: No dude. No. And even if it was, I wouldn’t reverse it.

MAN: But can it be reversed?

WOMAN: No.

MAN: It reversed once to go into me, why couldn’t it reverse again to return to you?

WOMAN: Because it can’t. It wasn’t built to do that.

MAN: Even if I put a gun to your head?

WOMAN: No. Not even then – and if you keep getting creepy and violent, I’ll have to activate the safety feature.

MAN: What’s the safety feature?

WOMAN: I can ask the embryo to knock you out for a bit.

MAN: What? No you can’t.

WOMAN: The chip works by communicating with the cells of the embryo. It does its thing by sending it home to your body instead of mine. That communication can also suggest knocking you out for its own survival.

MAN: That makes no sense.

WOMAN: The people who invented the chip knew that it would make a lot of men angry. They added the safety feature to make sure anyone who activated it could get away from anyone who turned violent.

MAN: I’m not violent.

WOMAN: What was that about a gun to my head?

MAN: Metaphor. It’s a metaphor.

WOMAN: It didn’t sound like a metaphor.

MAN: You have the power to knock me out?

WOMAN: Make you fall asleep? Yes. It has been necessary in 6 out of 10 cases apparently. I hadn’t imagined you’d be one of them until you started spouting “metaphors.”

MAN: I was hoping you could reverse it back.

WOMAN: Nope. Impossible.

MAN: I don’t believe you.

WOMAN: Feel free to Google. It’s just not designed for double reversals.

MAN: Fine. Fine.

WOMAN: You’ll adjust eventually.

MAN: Adjust? I have a THING growing inside me.

WOMAN: Sucks, right? Maybe you can see why all those women were so mad about the dissolution of reproductive rights way back when.

MAN: Yeah.

WOMAN: Settling for candidates who wouldn’t fight for them doesn’t seem so smart now, does it?

MAN: I guess not. I just…. I wasn’t keen on…how did we get into talking politics

WOMAN: I’m finding it’s kind of nice to have these questions just be academic and not a matter of life or death.

MAN: Oh, you mean now that it’s my problem, not yours?

WOMAN: Yes! What a nice change of pace.

MAN: I do not appreciate this in any way.

WOMAN: Well, no, you wouldn’t, would you?

MAN: No.

WOMAN: So…you good? You mind if I take off?

MAN: You’re just going to leave me here? Pregnant?

WOMAN: I mean, I can’t make you un-pregnant and I’m not sure what else to say.

MAN: You don’t know what else to say?

WOMAN: No. Do you have more to say?

MAN: Yes! Yes I do! You got me pregnant with your sneaky chip and I am really not happy about it. And now you tell me that you also have the power to knock me out if I get a little too upset about what you’ve done to me! I have a lot to say about all of this actually. Haven’t you ever heard of consent? You didn’t think to check with me to see if I WANTED to be pregnant? You think you can just waltz out of here after giving me a super intractable problem? What about my choices, huh? What about what I want? I don’t have time to be pregnant! I have to finish grad school and then I have a career to kick off. I can’t be dealing with an unwanted pregnancy! This is not fair. I need you to take this back. This is not okay. You lied to me about the chip and you’re going to ------------ (sound of an app, the garbled sound of the Man falling asleep mid-sentence then collapsing on the table.)

WOMAN: Sorry buddy. I guess you’re one of the six out of ten. Wouldn’t have guessed it. But – better safe than sorry. You were getting pretty worked up there. And when I start to fear for my safety…anyway, good luck little zygote. I hope he gets you out of there but if he doesn’t, I guess I’ll see you at some point in the future. Hope not. But you just never know. Sleep tight, sunshine. See you on the flip side, zygote. Peace out.

(Sound of woman leaving, closing the door then humming as she leaves.)

Music fades in

With bells and strings

MAX: The Chip was produced by Messenger Theatre Company. It featured Colista Turner as The Woman and Ali Andre Ali as The Man. Sound Design by Matt Powell. Music by Scott Ethier. The Chip was written and directed by Emily Rainbow Davis. I’m Max Arnaud, reading you the credits.

To hear more audio drama from Messenger Theatre Company, please subscribe to The Dragoning’s podcast feed. (You can hear me in Season One.) Please rate, review and share through your favorite podcast app. To learn more about Messenger Theatre Company visit messengertheatreco.org.

Thanks for coming on this short journey to the world of The Chip.

And vote every chance you get.

Music resolves